why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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