theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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