my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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