What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
cat food counts as protein by the way
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
