so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
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TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
It was like getting head from an anaconda
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
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Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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