So drunk its hurt
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
