I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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