Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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