i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
