so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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