she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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