He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I wish I could teleport
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
