So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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