So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
