Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
