I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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