Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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