peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Randomize
