Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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