my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
