I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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