I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
