I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
