Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
