The maid of honor just puked.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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