im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Floor bacon is actually really good
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
