They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
