I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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