Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
