'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
