It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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