If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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