Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
