At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I'm jealous of your bromance
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
