i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
