no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
