something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
