Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Randomize
