How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
