I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Randomize
