i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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