Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
