It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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