the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
