wrigley field is MILF paradise
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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