morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
