I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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