When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
