I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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