In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I wish life had little blips of pornography
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
bring money and cleavage
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
