Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
