Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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