you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
