So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
